Living in a small corner of Kentucky, which appears to have been forgotten by progress and tooth paste, has given me, if nothing else, an appreciation for alcohol and an inflated sense of self. Well, that and a strict adherence to what I refer to as “The Rules.” No I’m not talking about that book where they tell you the dos and don’ts of dating or whatever, but “The Rules” for the bare freaking minimum requirements for me to consider going on a date with someone. Sadly, the number of folks that meet these minimum requirements is exceedingly small in chemical valley. 

Feel free to laugh because trust me, I witch cackle often, but here are my “rules” for dating in no particular order:

1. You must have teeth. – This issue is non-negotiable! They don’t have to be the teeth you were born with but that is perferred as this is a nod to personal hygiene. 
2. You must have a job.
3. You must own a functional vehicle. 
4. You must not live in said vehicle.
5. You must have a home. *
6. Said home must not be with your parents or your ex. *
7. You must possess a cell phone. 
8. You must be self sufficient. – I am not your personal ATM, that shit only works for my niece and you aren’t nearly as beautiful or adorable as her. 
9. You must have one thing about you that is exceptional, unique, or special. – If you are only a solid 2 I have to be able to justify to my family and friends why I keep you around. 
10. You must have more personality than wet cardboard. – Face it, I’ve got a big personality, ADHD, OCD, Ausperger’s, and possibly a touch of Tourette’s so I get bored easy and will walk on you like a doormat if you can’t carry your own. 
11. You must love my dogs. 
12. My dogs must love you. 
13. You must not be jealous of my dogs. – Seriously, kick dirt now because I do not have time for that shit. 
14. You must not be a whiney little bitch. – I expect you to love your momma, but if you are going to whine I suggest you do it to her. 
15. Your balls must be at least as big as mine. – Proving to be damn near impossible 
16. You must be able to drink as much or more than I do and still function. – I refuse to pack you because your manly ego tried to write checks your dumb ass couldn’t cash. 
17. If I ask for your help, you better put up and shut up. – This doesn’t happen very often and it is often a last resort, but if I ask and you are able I suggest you do it.  
18. You must make me laugh.
19. You must be able to deal with my family. 
20. You must realize my friends are my family.  

* natural disasters and acts of God can exempt you from this rule but only within a reasonable time frame as determined by me. Yeah, go ahead call me a bitch but if you are still living with the rents or the ex after a year then you are far too comfortable with the situation than you should be. 

I personally don’t think the above should be that difficult, and 17-20 may seem like they should be higher on the list, but it’s a rare person that makes it that far.  

This about sums up how I feel about about booze. 

Chicks Who Appreciate Alcohol